~* Reason #11: Christmas *~

I wasn't gonna do it, but I feel obligated. Christmas is a huge reason I'm glad I don't have kids. 

Christmas with kids is expensive. This year, I didn't have a single person to go shopping for. I sent a friend of mine some gourmet chocolate bars, and I made some chocolate bark for another, but I didn't have to. I couldn't have done that with kids. And kids these days are so damned expectant- they aren't hoping and wishing for gifts, they actually expect to see a freakin' PS4 or an iPod or a tablet or whatever. Who has that kind of money?? Well, obviously the parents buying this kind of thing, but I don't. 

Then, there's also the baby-sitter. Kids are off for 2 weeks from school. Parents aren't usually off for the same two weeks. Actually, in this town, a lot of them are military so they get holiday leave, but in general... Plus, even if I had the time off, I'm not sure I could stand to be cooped up in a house full of kids for two weeks non-stop.

There's also all the other stuff- Christmas baking, Christmas pageants, Christmas music, Christmas presents for the kids' friends and their families, deciding who goes where for Christmas. Yeesh. 

I guess the bottom line on this one is that I am well aware of the fact that I am not properly equipped to suitably provide an enjoyable Christmas for a child, and so, I am glad I don't have to.

~* Reason #10: Santa Claus *~

Yep, Santa Claus.

Don't misunderstand, I love Christmas and all things Christmas-related. But I don't want to have to try to explain to a kid for about 7 or 8 years that some fluffy dude with a beard and a red suit drops off toys to every kid in the world on one night out of the year, and then have to tell them that I lied to them for 7 or 8 years.

Lying aside, there's the explanations. Why Santa is a movie star. Why Santa is at the mall. How Santa can be at all of the malls. How Santa fits down the chimney. How Santa makes it to all of the houses in one night. How Santa gets into homes without chimneys. How Santa makes reindeer fly. How Santa can eat all those cookies without getting sick. And the list goes on.

Well, at least the Salvation Army stopped using people dressed up as Santa. One less question to answer- why Santa is begging in front of WalMart like a homeless person.

~* Reason #9: Cold, Rainy Days *~

No, it's no coincidence that today is a cold and rainy day here in the Sandhills. It's one of those days best spent curled up on the couch under a blanket. It's one of those days where you turn on Netflix and let yourself fall in and out of sleep to the sound of Charlie Hunnam on Sons of Anarchy. It's one of those days where you crack open a beer at 3pm because, well, why not?

Now, I couldn't do that if I had kids. But, what would I do??

On sunny days, even cold ones, I can see going outside. Go to the park. Go rollerblading or bike riding or just walk the dog around the neighborhood. But on a day like today, kids get cabin fever. I remember. You can only color so many pictures or read so much of a book at one time. And sure, there's TV, but I HATE kids programming. I'm sure that's a reason you'll see somewhere down the line. So, they'll eventually start complaining. "Mom, I'm bored." Ugh. Maybe you get lucky and ship them off to someone else's house for the day. But maybe you are that someone else, and now, instead of just your own whiny little kid, you have 2 or 3 or more....No curling up on the couch with Charlie and a beer for you.

Side note- I came across this article this afternoon. Some of you may think I'm a child-hater or just a really selfish person. I promise, I'm not either. I simply know that I would not be a good mother at this point in my life. Maybe I will be one day, but not tomorrow. This article made me feel a little better about that.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/#HS1qKjxHi1sGGWXH.01

~* Reason #8: Trendy Christmas Presents *~

This is the only part of Christmas I'm getting into right now. I'll save the rest for later.

Every year, there are a handful of "must-have" things for kids. Tickle-me-Elmo. Furbies. Playstation 1 through 16. It happens every year. People wait in line with their Thanksgiving dinner on paper plates on Thanksgiving morning now, since Black Friday sales start earlier and earlier. They push and shove and trample each other for whatever the "gotta have it" toy is this year. Some people luck out and get it. Some people don't. And some people are greedy and buy as many as they can at a discounted price and then sell it for profit to people who didn't get in line early enough to get one.

That's what I've been seeing today. I am a member of a yard sale site on Facebook, mostly because I like to window shop (yes, even virtually). There's a thing this year- Doc McStuffin or something like that. It's a toy doctor thing, I guess. Apparently, it is listed on WalMart's website for $65, but they've been sold out for about a week now. In this yard sale group, one member got a couple and she is selling them for $250 each!!

Don't get me wrong- I won't deny anyone the chance or right to make a buck. But some poor kid is gonna miss out because this bitch got greedy and now the kid's parents can't afford the one toy that the kid really really really wanted. Not to mention the other kids who are going to say "Didn't you get one for Christmas? Santa must not like you." and all the other mean things kids say to each other. The parents are going to feel like failures, they let their kid down. They couldn't get the one toy that was on the "must have" list. All because someone wanted to make some money.

OR- all because kids aren't raised to appreciate the things they DO have these days.

Depends how you look at it.

~* Reason #7: I Wouldn't Be Able to Get Drunk With My Neighbors *~

I'm not a big drinker these days, but I do have a glass of wine or a beer to unwind at the end of most days. Occasionally, I will indulge a bit more. Like last night.

My neighbors are crazy. Awesome crazy, not crazy crazy. But man, do they like to drink. Yesterday, I took over my apple pie and mini-cheesecakes, and then went to Miss Shirley's to help her carry over all of her food. Well, I thought I was just going to help her carry over the food. She poured me and K a drink- a cup of rum and a splash of Coke- and pretty much held us hostage until we drank it, while also forcing us to chug from a bottle of eggnog. When we finally made it to dinner, I had planned to just nurse a beer or two. Apparently, nobody else agreed with that plan. Most of the evening, I had a beer in one hand and a glass of wine in another, and a second bottle of eggnog was circulating.

I ended up stumbling back up the stairs into my apartment around 7:30pm, and I passed out on the couch. Passed out like a light. I woke up at 2am, but only because I was sweating like crazy. I took out my contacts and went to bed til about 8am this morning.

Even though nights like that don't happen often, they couldn't happen at all if I had a kid.

~* Reason #6: Health Problems *~

No, I'm not talking about the common cold or flu here, although I may address that at a later point. Here, I'm talking about serious, congenital, genetic, and/or terminal illnesses. The kind that break your heart over and over and over.

My best friend's little girl has a genetic disorder. She is 4 years old, and has had more surgeries than most adults I know. She walks with braces on her legs. She is developmentally slow. She has a weak immune system. She will have problems with her health for her entire life. She is completely happy and oblivious to any problems, and that is all due to the incredible amount of work her parents put in to keep her that way.

Day after day, they know all of the pain and suffering their baby has to endure. They know there is nothing they can do to fix it. They struggle with insurance companies constantly, and they are always weighing the financial options. Can we afford this doctor, or this procedure, or this set of leg braces? Knowing what they have been through, what they are going through, and what lies ahead of them breaks my heart and I'm not even related. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that comes with being in their shoes.

I'm not sure that I'd be strong enough to do it. To have a sick child, especially a terminally sick one. To spend holidays and birthdays in the hospital with them. To know how badly they want to run and play and just be like other "normal" children. To know that there is absolutely not a thing in the world I could do to make it all better. It's hard to even think about. And, selfish as it is, I'm grateful I don't have to.

~* Reason #5: Trying to Find a Babysitter *~

I'm not even talking about a daycare or date-night babysitter here. I'm talking about the general person-who-watches-the-kid babysitter.

I can remember being a kid, maybe 8 or 9, sitting at my dad's feet while he interviewed one high school girl after another, looking for one trustworthy enough to take care of 3 grade-school aged children for the summer. He always involved us in the interview process, but it was exhausting for us. I can only imagine how he felt.

Let's see the babysitters I remember- we had the gorgeous Barbie doll preacher's daughter. She was pretty awesome, but super religious. Her dad actually officiated my sister's wedding. She was always doing active things with us, but she kept trying to take us to Sunday school. Then we had the popular high school girl- I think for one kid, she would have been great. I don't think she was ready for 3 completely different personalities. The last one I remember was the party girl who lived one street over. She used to take us to her house so she could swim in her underwear with the boys in the neighborhood. My dad fired her for leaving our TV set to MTV's "The Grind". MTV was outlawed in our house.

So, how do you know who to trust your life to? I'm not exaggerating. A child is literally your life, in a smaller human being form. People can paint good pictures. I know tons of people who are awesome at interviews but suck as employees. People are good at telling you what you want to hear. They can even rig references. How do you know you're not going to end up on the news at the end of the day because you picked the wrong babysitter. And on the other, but no less heartbreaking end, how do you know your kid won't prefer the company of a babysitter to the company of it's own parents? This is some scary shit, and I'm not prepared for that, and I'm again grateful that I don't have to deal with it.

~* Reason #4: People Touching Your Belly *~

I chose this topic today because it's been in the news lately. Oh, you haven't heard? Here, read up.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/28/living/parents-illegal-touching-pregnant-belly/

I am not a touchy-feely person. I may occasionally want to cuddle or hold hands or be wrapped up in a hug....but more often than not, I don't. And even when these rare moods do strike, I can promise you I have never thought or said "please touch my belly". I'm not sure any woman anywhere has ever said those words. We are media-bred to be self conscious about our stomach areas, why would we invite someone to feel our imperfections?

But for some bizarre reason, the minute a woman begins growing a human being inside of her, people feel entitled to touch her. Family members, friends, even complete strangers. Why???? Why do people think this is acceptable behavior??? If it's not ok for you to touch a complete stranger with a flat belly, why would it be ok for you to touch a complete stranger with another complete stranger in her belly?? Honestly, I'm surprised there aren't more violent crimes against these unwanted touchers.

And since I'm on the subject of touching, what about people touching the baby after it's born? People are always touching babies- trying to hold their hands or kiss their cheeks or even hold them. And I don't mean people you know- I've seen it happen with random people in the grocery store. If I don't know you, why would I let you touch my baby? You could have just sneezed into your hand, and now my baby might get the flu, so thanks for the trip to the doctor. You have the herpes virus that carries fever blisters, and you want to kiss my baby? I'm sure it thanks you for the lifetime of awkward "it's not really herpes" conversations.

Point is, respect boundaries.

~* Reason #3: Halloween *~

Halloween. Jesus, I am glad I work late and live in an apartment. No sticky-fingered kids and their pushy parents to deal with. No slutty teenagers to deal with. No freezing my buns off taking a cranky toddler door to door begging complete strangers for "something good to eat".

Who the hell ever thought trick-or-treating was a good idea?? I spent my childhood being taught not to talk to strangers, but it's ok to ring their doorbells and ask for candy??? Who thought that made sense? And I grew up in the 80s, when people weren't quite as creepy as they are now and neighborhoods were a little bit safer. I sure as hell wouldn't let a kid go knocking on doors these days. So many creeps out there.

Aside from the creepy strangers, there's the cost involved. Halloween costumes have gotten ridiculously expensive. What happened to the plastic masks that you couldn't see or breathe out of? And the candy- that's not cheap either. Well, you can go the cheap route and then be "that house with the cheap candy". Or, I guess you could be like the woman in North Dakota handing out written scoldings for kids being "mildly obese". I'm content to be none of the above.

And the candy- do kids REALLY need a pillowcase full of candy?? Sticky little bastards. And most of you parents are going to eat the majority of it anyway. Then, you'll justify it by going to the gym. Or you'll sit around and bitch about being fat. Great idea, send the kids out for hours to collect candy from complete strangers, then tell them they can only have 2 pieces a day- this is a holiday for asshole parents. 'Scuse the language.

Now, with all this said, IF I ever do have kids, of course I'll join the ranks of asshole parent on Halloween.

~* Reason #2: You're Obligated To Make Small Talk With Other Parents *~

I was sitting in the waiting room at the GYN office today- completely unrelated to pregnancy- and there were maybe 8 other women, all with children, most expecting another one. Let me also mention that my GYN is located at Womack Army Medical Center, so most of the patients are army wives or military personnel.

I was sitting in the 3rd row of seats, the only female unaccompanied and childless. In front of me was a very pregnant, 30-something white woman with an unattractive 2-year old girl in a stroller with chocolate all over her face and TinkerBell on an iPhone. A much younger, low-ranking, black female sat down next to her with her little boy, who was the same age as the little girl. Instead of just reading a book or flipping through pictures on Instagram, these women felt an obligation to speak to each other. And it was an awkward situation. The age difference became painfully obvious very quickly. From the differences in speech patterns, to the different developmental levels of the children, it was difficult to witness. The hardest part was when the younger female mentioned that she had a daughter whose favorite show is "Toddlers and Tiaras"- I actually saw the older female physically shift away a bit. Mercifully, the younger female was called back right after that.

Why do women do this to themselves? Aside from a polite "Hi, how are you?", I don't usually feel any obligation to speak to a stranger. Especially if I'm in a doctor's office. I'm there for a reason, probably fairly personal, and I assume you are also. I'll respect your space, please do the same for me. I also know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but I feel like a lot of times, I can tell if I will have something to actually talk about with someone. I would definitely do my best to avoid making a statement that would cause someone to look down on me. In turn, I hope that I do my best to avoid looking down on others, too.

All I'm saying is that children aren't enough of a reason to start a conversation with someone. I'm not going to open dialogue with a complete stranger because we're both wearing jeans and Converse. And I won't feel bad about it, either.

~* Reason #1: I Am Already Sleep Deprived *~

This is reason #1 simply because it's the first one, not because it's the most important reason. It is a pretty important one, though. I am plenty sleep deprived as it is. I do not need 2-3 hour feedings to make that worse.

I work from 6am-6:30pm Monday- Thursday. I work from 5am- noon on Fridays. I usually try to go to bed around 10pm, but I don't usually fall asleep until closer to 11pm. When I do finally fall asleep, I can usually only stay asleep for about 3 hours in a row. I guess actually that would kind of work, but when I wake up now, I just roll over, get comfy again, and fall back asleep. I don't have to drag my miserable, exhausted self out of bed to do anything, let alone anything involving a tiny human that I could possibly drop on its head if I fell back asleep while feeding or rocking it.

And that's AFTER the kid is born. How about all the sleepless nights during pregnancy I've been told about?? Trying to get comfortable when you're full-term in the middle of July with a broken air conditioner, or the constant numb arm because you can only sleep in one uncomfortable position. Waking up with heartburn. Waking up to pee. Waking up to puke. Waking up because of crazy baby dreams. Waking up with a panic attack. No thank you.

~* 1001 Reasons I Don't Have Kids *~

Ok, so maybe 1001 will be an exaggeration. It may be an underestimation, too. Who knows? I'm writing this because I find myself saying, every single day, "that's another reason I don't have kids". It's not that I dislike kids- although there have been a few I truly can't stand. I just am extremely grateful that at this point in my life I am not a mother. I'm not ruling out the possibility of having a kid or two sometime in the future, simply counting my current blessings. Read on and enjoy. Or hate me. Your choice.