~* Reason #3: Halloween *~

Halloween. Jesus, I am glad I work late and live in an apartment. No sticky-fingered kids and their pushy parents to deal with. No slutty teenagers to deal with. No freezing my buns off taking a cranky toddler door to door begging complete strangers for "something good to eat".

Who the hell ever thought trick-or-treating was a good idea?? I spent my childhood being taught not to talk to strangers, but it's ok to ring their doorbells and ask for candy??? Who thought that made sense? And I grew up in the 80s, when people weren't quite as creepy as they are now and neighborhoods were a little bit safer. I sure as hell wouldn't let a kid go knocking on doors these days. So many creeps out there.

Aside from the creepy strangers, there's the cost involved. Halloween costumes have gotten ridiculously expensive. What happened to the plastic masks that you couldn't see or breathe out of? And the candy- that's not cheap either. Well, you can go the cheap route and then be "that house with the cheap candy". Or, I guess you could be like the woman in North Dakota handing out written scoldings for kids being "mildly obese". I'm content to be none of the above.

And the candy- do kids REALLY need a pillowcase full of candy?? Sticky little bastards. And most of you parents are going to eat the majority of it anyway. Then, you'll justify it by going to the gym. Or you'll sit around and bitch about being fat. Great idea, send the kids out for hours to collect candy from complete strangers, then tell them they can only have 2 pieces a day- this is a holiday for asshole parents. 'Scuse the language.

Now, with all this said, IF I ever do have kids, of course I'll join the ranks of asshole parent on Halloween.

~* Reason #2: You're Obligated To Make Small Talk With Other Parents *~

I was sitting in the waiting room at the GYN office today- completely unrelated to pregnancy- and there were maybe 8 other women, all with children, most expecting another one. Let me also mention that my GYN is located at Womack Army Medical Center, so most of the patients are army wives or military personnel.

I was sitting in the 3rd row of seats, the only female unaccompanied and childless. In front of me was a very pregnant, 30-something white woman with an unattractive 2-year old girl in a stroller with chocolate all over her face and TinkerBell on an iPhone. A much younger, low-ranking, black female sat down next to her with her little boy, who was the same age as the little girl. Instead of just reading a book or flipping through pictures on Instagram, these women felt an obligation to speak to each other. And it was an awkward situation. The age difference became painfully obvious very quickly. From the differences in speech patterns, to the different developmental levels of the children, it was difficult to witness. The hardest part was when the younger female mentioned that she had a daughter whose favorite show is "Toddlers and Tiaras"- I actually saw the older female physically shift away a bit. Mercifully, the younger female was called back right after that.

Why do women do this to themselves? Aside from a polite "Hi, how are you?", I don't usually feel any obligation to speak to a stranger. Especially if I'm in a doctor's office. I'm there for a reason, probably fairly personal, and I assume you are also. I'll respect your space, please do the same for me. I also know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but I feel like a lot of times, I can tell if I will have something to actually talk about with someone. I would definitely do my best to avoid making a statement that would cause someone to look down on me. In turn, I hope that I do my best to avoid looking down on others, too.

All I'm saying is that children aren't enough of a reason to start a conversation with someone. I'm not going to open dialogue with a complete stranger because we're both wearing jeans and Converse. And I won't feel bad about it, either.

~* Reason #1: I Am Already Sleep Deprived *~

This is reason #1 simply because it's the first one, not because it's the most important reason. It is a pretty important one, though. I am plenty sleep deprived as it is. I do not need 2-3 hour feedings to make that worse.

I work from 6am-6:30pm Monday- Thursday. I work from 5am- noon on Fridays. I usually try to go to bed around 10pm, but I don't usually fall asleep until closer to 11pm. When I do finally fall asleep, I can usually only stay asleep for about 3 hours in a row. I guess actually that would kind of work, but when I wake up now, I just roll over, get comfy again, and fall back asleep. I don't have to drag my miserable, exhausted self out of bed to do anything, let alone anything involving a tiny human that I could possibly drop on its head if I fell back asleep while feeding or rocking it.

And that's AFTER the kid is born. How about all the sleepless nights during pregnancy I've been told about?? Trying to get comfortable when you're full-term in the middle of July with a broken air conditioner, or the constant numb arm because you can only sleep in one uncomfortable position. Waking up with heartburn. Waking up to pee. Waking up to puke. Waking up because of crazy baby dreams. Waking up with a panic attack. No thank you.

~* 1001 Reasons I Don't Have Kids *~

Ok, so maybe 1001 will be an exaggeration. It may be an underestimation, too. Who knows? I'm writing this because I find myself saying, every single day, "that's another reason I don't have kids". It's not that I dislike kids- although there have been a few I truly can't stand. I just am extremely grateful that at this point in my life I am not a mother. I'm not ruling out the possibility of having a kid or two sometime in the future, simply counting my current blessings. Read on and enjoy. Or hate me. Your choice.